trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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