I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We don't watch enough power rangers
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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