I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
