my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
