Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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