On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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