totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
