naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She needs sedatives and a leash
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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