Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
