It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
