sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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