if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You can't motorboat a personality
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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