So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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