Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
The beer is more important than you right now.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
