He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize