i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
