just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
thus making me awesome and them whores
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize