I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
