I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
