It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
