u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
