there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
