Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
