Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
