I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
