And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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