I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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