there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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