I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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