Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
