I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My liver just broke up with me...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
