Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
