you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
