now i know why i became what i already was.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
