i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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