you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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