I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
