I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
