I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
