Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
