I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am midnight drunk by noon
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
