dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize