you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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