Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
