So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
