You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
