So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
