I love black thongs
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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