I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
