Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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