is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
