Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
