I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
