i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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