Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Randomize
