I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
