and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Drunk is a universal language darling
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
