I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
