Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
