She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
